A romantic relationship is by far, one of the most treasured human connections that we ever make. This human connection is not influenced and driven through the need for survival (like the connection with your mother as an infant) but rather, it is solely motivated by the need and desire for intimate connections, thus, it is normal to invest in a great big part of yourself into the relationship – and that is the sole reason why it hurts when you go through a breakup.
When we get into a relationship, we naturally fit the other person into our routine and create an identity with them. After a breakup, the person has to force themselves to shift away from the routine that they had created and were so used to, along with a part of their identity, which leads them to crave the connection that they had felt when in the relationship. Human behavior is to choose an intimate partner who you emotionally connect with and thus, getting over a breakup isn’t easy, but rather a person goes through stages of getting over a breakup.
If you recently have suffered a breakup, then first know that all that you are feeling right now is valid and understood. You are not alone and here we have a list of stages that you should expect yourself to go through.
Stages Of Getting Over A Breakup
The first of the many stages of getting over a breakup is Denial. Many individuals believe that this stage does not come to pass in the case of getting over a bad relationship and that is in fact, wrong. Denial comes through with every relationship as all relationships are attached with a routine. When we breakup with someone, for some time we refuse to believe that we are separated from the person. We entertain ideas that suggest, “Oh, this is just a little break! He/she will come back!” and just simply refuse to believe that the breakup has actually occurred. Later, the Denial transforms into a more acceptable form where we start to entertain daydreams of everything magically working out and the two of you getting back together again.
This stage is completely normal and is a defense mechanism, according to the famous psychologist, Sigmund Freud. Freud suggested that the mind goes thorough denial when it doesn’t wish to confront the anxious situation.
Soon after the person starts to accept the breakup, anger comes strolling in. This is the part where the mind searches for elements in the environment where the blame for the breakup can be rested upon as to reduce the anxiety. In this stage, you will find yourself getting angry at your ex, getting angry at the universe or even God himself, or just getting angry at situations which in the long-run lead to the breakup, like for example: “If they hadn’t lost their job, they wouldn’t have become bitter and we still would be together!”
The best remedy for getting over this stage of the breakup is to engage yourself in fun and stress-relieving activities.
So now your anger has subsided and the loss is in full view. When a deeply treasured and emotionally bonding connection is lost, we are motivated to just gain it back in any way possible and just to bring back our routine. Through the days, we feel the absence of the connection more and more and having passed the anger stage, we have no other median to direct the blame on for the end of the relationship. This compels us to bargain with either our ex to somehow just come back or even bargain with God or the universe with things like, “I will engage in more charities if you bring my person back to me”. Some people describe this stage as the most pitiful because in this stage we truly are down to the worst extent yet still are hopeful because we are still entertaining daydreams where due to some bargain, the relationship is back in action.
Depression is the third stage of getting over a breakup and it is truly defeating. This is described as the lowest point; a person cannot feel any worse. In this stage you will observe a lack of any interest or energy to even do things that you previously had a passion for. It is feeling disconnected and just numb in terms of everything. A person in the stage of Depression doesn’t have the motivation to change their clothes, make their hair or even get out of their beds. They might seek comfort food and just generally be lacking the necessary and required energy to act and behave as themselves.
In this stage, you will not wish to be around anyone and will just wish to keep to yourself. However, it is advised against your feelings to be around your friends. While they may not instantly make your whole life better, their presence does aid in the gradual change. Moreover, always remember that you are important, valid, needed and loved by so many people.
Through the many (and painful) stages of getting over a breakup, you finally land on Acceptance. Acceptance comes flowing in gradually – it can never be forced. But once it does arrive. you will only feel better. Here, the mind is met with the plain and simple truth of the breakup and is free from all defense mechanisms and other coping tactics. In this stage, you will come to terms with the breakup and will feel a sort of nostalgia at its remembrance. It will not be entirely happy, but all that is to come will be happy. The previous stage before acceptance was the one where the person just cannot be at a lower point in life, thus, the only option left then is to rise up.
Breakups are hard, it is true, but however the painful a breakup might prove to be, always remember that you have it in you to get over it!